December 22

I visited Katen in the NICU this morning. Usually a very strong person emotionally, I broke down sobbing in tears when I saw my tiny baby hooked up to a million tubes and struggling to breathe. I feel like such a failure as a parent already. Poor Katen must be so uncomfortable. There's a feeding tube in her nose along with a breathing tube, an IV in her head, and oxygen, body temperature, and breathing sensors all over her. I got to finally hold her and do some Kangaroo care. (Kangaroo Care is skin to skin bonding which is beneficial to preemies and mothers for health and bonding purposes.) Daddy also got to hold Katen while I went to pump breast milk. Unfortunatley her nurses in the NICU left for lunch and daddy was very upset and panicky when Katen's vital alarms started going off and he couldn't get anyone to help him. These are not the kinds of first moments with your child that you dream about.

We had many visitors today despite the horrible blizzard that is occurring. Unfortunately we couldn't show Katen off because of the "no visitors" policy in the NICU but it was nice to see close family.